if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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