i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
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He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
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Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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