She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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