Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My ATM looks so different sober.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
