he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
