No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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