he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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