If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
