This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
