life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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