went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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