i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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