I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
