I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
