I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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