Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize