i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
