I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
vagina is talking i cant
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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