I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize