When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
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