he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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