sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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