bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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