Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
