Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
