Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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