I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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