i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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