I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I will be naked everywhere
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
