Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize