i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I didn't notice because vodka
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just gargled with NyQuil
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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