My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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