he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
