homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
