Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
