I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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