This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
