She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
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I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
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I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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