thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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