Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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