Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
