Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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