i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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