it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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