my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize