Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
How naked do you want me to be?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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