if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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