$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
