people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
