Someone shit on the floor
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
