i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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