I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
All I want is dick and wine.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
