Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
