im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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