Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
