Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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