Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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