Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
